Relationship Memos and Notes

The following is simply a collection of various notes, reminders and encouragements, primarily for personal archive purposes…

Fleeting love is like a fire in a hearth, always needing fed externally with little capacity to maintain itself. But true love is like the sun, self-sufficient and self-fueling. And if something comes close enough to try to put it out, it gets burnt to a crisp before it can even come close.

Women, how can you tell you might have a keeper? When he sees you in your struggles and weak moments and he loves you even more.

“Apart from the Holy Spirit, the greatest source of influence and inspiration on planet earth are women” – James Robison. I would like to amend this and say that apart from the Holy Spirit, the greatest source of influence and inspiration in a man’s life is his wife.

Men (and women), there isn’t room or time for “that’s just the way I am” attitudes. You must remain humble and teachable and be willing to be wrong for the sake of the best of your wife and your relationship. Don’t use excuses to be lazy or to coddle interests on the side that end up competing with the priority of your wife. Look very closely upon how you care for her and where she really is in your heart. Earn and keep her favor.

Sex is not ours initially. It is God’s wedding gift to us. It’s not the test of faithfulness, but rather the reward for it.

My commitment to my future wife: I would rather do what’s right, even if it means the sacrifice of something I want or feel is important, instead of having the best reason in the world to do what isn’t right by her and us. Men, can you say that about your wife or future wife? Women, what about you?

Endeavor to come to a place where you love Jesus more than your spouse.

There is a vast difference between judging people in general and being judicious when it comes to intimate relationships. We are called to not judge (Mt7:1) and to be judicious in premarital relationships (2co6:14). It doesn’t have to do with perfection, but rather healthy matching.

Simply standing for your beliefs is not being judgmental when determining whether a relationship is appropriate for you or not. It is best to know whether your core needs and values match well with the one you are interested early on, before emotions are so strong that there will be great pain if a breakup is necessary. You have the task of being as gentle and loving as possible when you are backing off from a situation because of values differences. It is key to stress they are differences, without putting yourself above the other, and be prepared to still be considered judgmental and condescending. It would be ideal if you didn’t even mention value differences as a reason, if possible.

Big surprises can be surprising. Be forthright with things about yourself and find out what’s big to your partner early on.

“How do I know pornography depraves and corrupts? It depraves and corrupts me.” – Malcolm Muggeridge

Humbleness and patience are two of the greatest keys to productive conflict management in any situation, and especially among spouses. It’s amazing the concerted effort this takes, but when positive habits form in these areas, it’s amazing the power that comes from it. Choose to grow together today with your spouse, with your loved ones.

Instead of letting the friction of a wall you come across in your relationships or life be abrasion to bring you down, learn to use it as traction to scale the wall and climb greater heights.

Miscommunication between two hurting people can be a recipe for disaster without God, or an opportunity for growth and healing when humble before God and patient with each other.

It’s not enough to want a good partner. You have to know what it is to embrace him or her every day when he or she arrives.

Marriage is not a feeling. It’s a concerted effort to put your spouse first every single day, no matter what.

Good communication is a two way street…where you’re driving in the same car with your partner.

Healthy relationships simply care about the other more. (More than what?) Fill in the blank with anything.

Are you in such need so frequently that you are never available emotionally to tend to the needs of your partner?

Be willing to admit that you have sucked your thumb far more as an adult than ever as a child, and work on changing those behaviors.

Communication and pursuit of one another is not about having time for each other. It’s about making time for one another: sofa time, talk time, heart to heart connection time, every day, with your partner and with God. It wouldn’t be as telling if you did have time for them anyway, would it?

Consecration and sofa time: the two pillars of a relationship with God and with your spouse. One preserves the sanctuary while the other fills it.

Live so that when your wife thinks of fairness, integrity, faithfulness, loyalty, she thinks of you.

Be one who not only doesn’t run out with the guys or ladies in tough situations, but is even willing to postpone and cancel plans to work things out.

Every marriage table where issues and disagreements are discussed should be pushed against a wall so the couple must sit on the same side, to remind them they are on the same side.

If your husband would take your relationship on its worst day over anyone or anything else in the world at its best, you have the real deal. Hold onto that one.

When the Bible said that a person’s body belongs to (reserved for) only their spouse, many men fail to remember that this includes their eyes and their mind! Quit holding onto those undisciplined habits and ways with your thoughts and looks to other women. You’re allowing thieves to trespass what’s only supposed to be your wife’s property.

My dad told me on the day of my wedding, “Never go in a place that you wouldn’t take your wife.” – David Gibbs, Mt. Juliet, TN, married 51 years

Men, let me challenge you with something from my heart…I would rather take my wife on our worst day together than the best of anyone or anything in the entire world, any day.

The value of true romance lies in the toil you came through together while valuing your partner and what you share more than anything else.

Inasmuch as harmony is important in relationships, it is also how you both bring the imperfections together that determine the quality of what you really have.

Do you have someone that comes to you after your darkest day with more adoration than the day before? If you do, you have found the pearl of great price worth selling all to have.

If the two have undying persistence towards each other from deep within, God can take these two, as imperfect as they may be, and bring them together into His perfect harmony. No matter the imperfections, the weaknesses, the failures one towards another…He is the Master Musician, and a Master never blames His instrument.

Men, you must allow yourself to be humble, to be wrong, to be teachable, and to be willing to walk the balance of grace and correction of mistakes. Let your wife see your diligence. This is the leadership God calls men to.

In marriage and any other context, dictatorship is a masquerade of cowardice…always using unfair advantage to dominate or control someone else, never facing anything on equal footing. Jesus calls men to leadership in their homes, and dictatorship is not leadership. Humble servitude is.

Men, be willing to deal squarely and honestly with your issues. Quit avoiding them. You will only end up hurting your partner with them as situations arise, and many of you may struggle to admit that it’s on you.

Women, do you have a man who is quick to admit when he’s wrong and seek forgiveness? If he genuinely strives to work on his weaknesses, you might have a rare find. (As a man, knowing men, I feel there are few who really get this. But good ones are certainly out there. Seek them out in the right places and remember that it’s about substance, not flash or style.)

“I’m done work for the day and am going home. I’m tired. I remind myself my wife and kids don’t deserve my leftovers, the emotional scraps that are left after I have given out to others. They deserve the best of me, my attention and my engagement. I will try my best to let them know they are valued. I only get one go around at this thing called life, I might as well make it count.” – Paul Lavergne

When the Bible said that a person’s body belongs to (reserved for) only their spouse, many men fail to remember that this includes their eyes and their mind! Quit holding onto those undisciplined habits and ways with your thoughts and looks to other women. You’re allowing thieves to trespass what’s only supposed to be your wife’s property.

Friends who encourage activity or dialogue that diminishes the unity or harmony of a marriage are not good friends and do not respect the covenant.

We often do not realize the importance and preciousness of marriage, nor do we understand the commitment it takes. You may find out that she often does not want to serve or give, or he may lose desire to do things with you, and all the burden feels like it is on you to see to it that things get done. Work out your commitments in your own heart, and you talk to each other about it.

It is not about how much you have in common with someone as it is what you have in common. Matching a few core compatibilities is far more reaching than a multitude of surface ones.

Selfishness, immaturity and core incompatibilities are the required ingredients for failure in marriage.

Marriage is for grown-ups, as Jakes put it so well. It takes a selfless servitude, a willingness to put toys away from high priority, to mesh two worlds rather than try to fit the other in your existing one. It also takes willingness to be wrong, and diligence to consecrate your eyes and mind, including in those many times where no one knows but you.

The grass looks greener on other side because you can’t see weeds and dead spots from a broad, distant angle. Water your own yard.

When you are lazy at your relationship and take each other for granted, you will become irritated with each other and fall out of love.

Two can be complete in some areas because of the other, but ideally two are already complete, so they have a lot of extra to offer, and they are not codependent. They have a healthy balance of well-being.

In conflict resolution, when you sit down to discuss, you ought to be sitting on the same side of the table, not opposite. You are on the same side, the same team. If one of you wins in the resolution, it means someone loses—someone on your same team—your spouse or partner. So you do not really win after all. You lose because the team, your team, lost. Team must be first. The focus must be on how the team can win, not the individual.

You are responsible for your outward behaviors and attitudes (despite what you feel or think at any given time).

Some have lived so independent of accountability to this, they don’t understand why they can’t keep or attract good relationships. They are cynics, rough around the edges, and they have uninviting, impenetrable walls that say, Come here and no further. It takes a very patient partner and willingness on the individual to value the relationship, the ‘us’, enough to take the time to recognize, apologize for, and change unbecoming behaviors.

There is no room for pride. It will not work here.

The way you talk about your mate when he or she is not around is just as important as how you talk to him or her.

We can get into relationship with a pure heart and motives, and it is still not the right situation.

Just because two people love each other very much doesn’t mean they should have a relationship beyond friendship.

Neglected issues from the past become toxic.

Forcing a relationship with incompatible core values (some call these ‘deal-breakers’) will inevitably lead to strong issues within the relationship. There will be stress build-up that will never be resolved unless one compromises or the other has a sincere change independent of the other.

Your partner will either half you or double you.

Don’t get overtaken too soon by attention, attraction or apparent common ground. Remember to look to core values to ensure compatibility before taking the relationship deeper.

Observe how people use their money, if they are a workaholic or slack, if they put their family above marriage or are overly disregarding, if they communicate their dreams and frustrations well, and if they are willing to pay attention to your needs and serve. While you are looking at these areas in others, work on them yourself.

Don’t put your partner through what you’ve been through.


About Eagles Point

Serving and supporting the needs of people in grace and compassion on an individual and community level.
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One Response to Relationship Memos and Notes

  1. Pingback: priority, accuracy, and mere sincerity- a letter to Lucy « power of language blog: partnering with reality by JR Fibonacci

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