Candidity…That Special Relationship

I’m not entirely sure how this is going to go, er, perhaps go over, or how long it will even stay posted. But as it is with those who use this forum, among other things, to give expression to regions of the heart and life that otherwise have no outlet and need released, so goes the following crossection of the soul…

I recently had meaningful conversations (from long to very short) with six people in a two-day span (entirely rare for any given month). God has used these inspiring communications to bring me to a certain place I have desperately needed to be, and have tried to approach in occasional meager ways, but have primarily avoided out of fear. Somehow these chats stood me in front of a mirror, cleared my eyes, and guided me to look straight ahead and tell myself what I see.

It’s amazing to observe the cohabitation of firm faith and fragile vulnerability within the same heart. It feels like two polar opposites on the ends of an unusually long teeter totter, with faith being like a massive rock on one end, and frailty like the weight of the world on the other. While the rock may slam down on its side, planting itself firmly in place, the bombardment upon tender, defenseless regions within can drop suddenly at a moment’s notice, and it feels like I’m going to break at the fulcrum of my heart.

I used to think these two could and should never coexist, that one was almost the opposite of the other. So I used to gear up and fight at the presence of fragility, with passive and active counteroffensive tactics, engaging in what turned out to be an internal civil war…a war where there are no real winners, only repeated defeat.

To speak a little more specifically, in the midst of my particular healing and restoration process, in the area of relationships, it’s very easy to vacillate between overreaching to giving up completely. The feelings that come back, trying to resuscitate experiences of the past into a persistent state-of-death present, bringing artificially respirated life to all the things that were supposed to have stayed in the grave with the old man who has been crucified with Christ, whom in the new man has been resurrected to live in the newness of life and freedom.

But vulnerable regions of the heart, still tender to the touch, get blindsided in the most inopportune times. And I try, I really try, well, in as much as I try, to work through these time in a healthy way. Generally always by myself. And I must actively, drudgingly labor through the words that the Lord would speak to me, which are all true, and my true identity, beyond my feelings … loved … adored … cherished … sought after …wanted … while reverberating waves haunt with … used … not good enough … undesirable … finished … forgotten.

In those times, it feels like my only remaining usefulness is the capacity to overextend love, compassion and service to others, with little to no equivalent return. As unrealistic as it may sound, this feels like the theme of my experience, whether from people I interact with, ‘know’ in cyberspace, from my past, or all the way back to the one who took the ring off my finger.

{By the way, those of you I ‘know’ exclusively through the online experience, I don’t know you, and I hate that, which is why in one sense I really hate cyber-relationship—I want the real thing, I long for it—otherwise, it’s not enough, for me at least.}

I know I have to somehow let go…the very thing that means most to me, that’s everything to me under God, that which feels like God Himself has promised me. If He’s my universe, then she is my world. It’s a fearful, tearful thing that trembles my heart.

So now, by the courage stirred from my recent conversations, and a touch of boldness, here I go. I think. Well, I started today. I actually did well, for two hours, until the first couple of opportunities came to stand in this. Needless to say, I fell flat on my face within seconds of each opportunity, as if to have lead bricks for feet while leaning forward to walk. It was bad.

But there was a difference. As I fell, and I did…into the hurt and pain, the broken regions and open caverns, once again, that same tumble…I noticed that I was falling in a different way. I noticed that I was falling with a grace I had not felt before. Instead of feeling like a ton of bricks pounding downward to the earth, it was more of a feather-like drift (okay, maybe feathers on an ostrich stranded in air, but still not bricklike).

But it gave me hope, and a new confidence. I can do this. I don’t fear the next situation. I rather look forward to the opportunity. God imparted a grace and strength, a capacity through this revelation, and though I could not do this on my own, try as I may’d, I really … can … do … all things … through Him who strengthens me … yes … so I see that passage coming to life in a new way in me!

I’m not a survivor. I’m an overcomer.

So, well, there that is. All of this in the context of special companionship. One of my acquaintances recently told me of an experience she had when becoming involved in a small group fellowship, after having already been pushed aside by her husband, family and other so-called friends when she was deeper in the woods of her initial recovery from trauma. She said…

They shunned me there, too. Why? Stasi Eldredge puts it this way in her book Captivating: “You are too much, but you are not enough.” It is one of the deepest fears of every woman. I believe that another one of our deepest fears is that our truest identity will be discovered, and once known we will be rejected or hated.

Incidentally, her husband later came around and truly partners with her to this day, thank God, and she has much better fellowship surrounding her. But what now with me? What if someone who knows me personally reads this? Anyone from online can say aww, it’s gonna be okay, you’re special, and all that stuff. And that’s cool, I understand, and I receive that, and I don’t put that down–I do the same with many of you on your posts. But you get to click on another link, turn off the computer, and forget about me the rest of your day, your week, till another annoying email comes to your inbox that contains a new post of mine or a comment from me on one of yours.

But what about having real connection with people in real world and time? And particularly that of a special companionship? Well, I suppose this is part of the laying down that I am doing now with a new courage and anticipation. I don’t know the terrain ahead, or much what to expect, but I can rest in the One who does, and He has given me somewhat of a tangible security in this part of the journey.

So I don’t have to be afraid of being too much for you, or for that someone, and also not enough, inadequate, not good enough, used goods, done, past his time…somehow, He has provided a solace, a place of rest, in the midst of the place I find my feet. I can do this now, I believe. I really can. I feel Him.


About Eagles Point

Serving and supporting the needs of people in grace and compassion on an individual and community level.
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2 Responses to Candidity…That Special Relationship

  1. daylily2011 says:

    You sound fully engaged in all of your emotions right now and I like that you are willing to work on improving the parts that are out of balance. Move those bricks and put your faith in God to help lighten your load. You are special and the person (in the real world not cyper-space) with whom you share all parts of you will be fortunate.

    I will try to do the same in my life in order to release my sense of inadequacy. xoxo — Daylily

    • Yeah, fully engaged, and I can’t stand it. While being a sensitive guy, I’m not emotional, although I can engage with those who are with no problem. Thank you for your encouragement, and parallelly walking out your situation, which is encouraging for me to look over there and see while I step out. I’ll take your suggestions as an order. 🙂

      [By the way, your comment on your blog recently…therapist taking calls in the middle of your session?! Not appropriate. I’m glad you strive to handle it with grace, but when I am with someone, during that time, they are my world, and that is their time for me to give them undivided attention, to surround them, to create and maintain that safe, unintruded place for them. Afterall, they are on the operating table of their soul. They are exposed, vulnerable, and in need of continual attentiveness till buttoned up and sent back to the outside. Just my feelings as a counselor, at least. Not everyone would agree.] Peace and strength sister…

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