Relational Drift: the Man’s Role

I remember when they (who’s they, anyway?) did away with the term ‘softcore porn’ in America a couple decades ago. It got meshed into socially acceptable media under the guise of R and eventually MA ratings. I can tell you as a man and as knowing men very well that the light, socially acceptable sexuality and immodesty on TV, in movies, in public–it’s never, ever enough. It’s always a quick, slippery slope to more…not to mention that a lot of what is shown in acceptable media is none of us men’s business, since that woman on the screen or in the magazine is not our wife or future wife.

Sometimes I feel like I’m one of about 10 men on my side of the Atlantic who refuses to watch certain things on the big screen–not out of fear and weirdness, but out of sheer adoration and devotion to my future wife. I don’t want to see what is reserved for another man, then have that on my mind while I have a wife or future wife of my own, with whom I should be enamoured exclusively. [Who gets this? I want to know if someone really gets this.]

Do you see how this is where men drift in their relationships? Some people say all marriages eventually lose the fire, get over the honeymoon, etc, etc…that’s garbage. Men walk away from their fire to chase strange fire that’s not their own. Then everyone wonders why he’s not as attentive, caring, caressing, sensitive, affectionate.

Somewhere, through recurring tendencies or issues, or through weakness of character, or placing himself in a vulnerable place he shouldn’t find himself in, the man opens the door and allows something, er, someone, slip into a corner of his heart (if he hadn’t already carried some things into the situation unbeknownst to his significant other). And so now, the marriage bed is cluttered…a bed made only for two, naked, carrying absolutely nothing into it with them, now has something sitting at the foot of it…something the man has willfully and unrepentantly accepted into his soul, and has allowed to stay. Content from a movie. An image on the computer. An interaction with someone at work.

** This is one reason I believe in modesty in demeanor and appearance for men and women: not to control people, or limit them and tell them what to do, but simply because everything beneath is reserved for just one another. It’s unequivocal when a man and a woman take the time to care for and do that for one another. It makes for a full sanctuary between themselves. It’s not about limiting people. It’s about filling a place reserved just for the two of them that is limitless. **

Now, these initial little things that attempt to occupy small portions of the heart (at first) do not have to be pornographic or illicit, at least at first. If they are, then the man had issues long ago that led to this type of behavior. [Incidentally, these initial things don’t even have to be sexual in nature. Work, athletics, and other hobbies and interests can just as well play this role, although there is a vast difference at least on certain levels.] These little foxes, when unchecked, unrepented, un-dealt with, will never stop till they’ve spoiled every vine in the vineyard of the garden of that precious woman he is cleaved to.

— Men, this is not something to just try to play and keep at bay and under control. Clear the corners of your bed. Kick everything out and off. —

Parallel to this is the argument that a woman might be losing her husband to another woman. I hate it when I hear a man or woman say that women have to do certain things or being a certain way, or else they’ll lose their husband to another woman. What!?! That defeats the whole purpose and principle of the covenant of marriage, the submission and surrender of two wills for the sake of the other and the bond they share, and enables the man to be unaccountable in his role of selfless love by perpetuating a sense of male domination where everything centers around the man’s selfish appetites! I understand and firmly believe that both women and men should take pride in themselves for the sake of their partner, and care for one another and do for them, but to put that all on the woman!?!

This completely works counterproductive to the goal of raising men as servant-leaders, and nurturing the co-equal expectation of women and men submitting one to another–and it takes the responsibility faithfulness and unconditional love from the man! (I can’t believe that I have even heard women advocate this.)

Now, I believe us men set the tone for this. We have to quit making women have to settle for so much less because there’s not enough good ones of us out there. My challenge to single men is for you to live in such a way that the single women have a much better choice to choose from. And if you’re married, live in such a way that your wife realizes that she made a much better choice than she thought she did.

Crossover at Eagles Point | A safe place of rest…


About Eagles Point

Serving and supporting the needs of people in grace and compassion on an individual and community level.
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2 Responses to Relational Drift: the Man’s Role

  1. H says:

    Just sharing some appreciation for this article. I feel the same way, and as a single woman will say there are very few good men out there and it’s extremely sad, and often quite distressing. I feel sorry for all other single women who have to put up with this pornified culture and the monsters it encourages men to be. And then women settle for so much less than they deserve, all because there are so few men who could possibly BE what they deserve.

    • Thank you very much for sharing this. I likewise feel sorry for all you women dealing with this, and having to live with an overall poor quality group of men at large. I don’t mean to be so negative towards the quality of men myself, but being among them in locker rooms and the work site and other settings where we all hang out and talk when no women are present, my heart breaks when I hear the comments, see the attitudes.

      I’ve said this to other people when talking about this, to summarize my passion for discipling boys and men into godly, servant-leadership: if I could, I would get every man locked into one, large room, and not let them out until they are worthy of the women awaiting outside.

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