More of a personal entry to begin…do you ever get overcome by a sense of inadequacy and failure? Why does it seem like everyone, whoever that is, fits in to a group or crowd but you (er, me)? I could ask you if you ever felt like you were all alone in the middle of a group or crowd (be it at work, at church, with family or ‘friends’), or I could ask how often have you had that experience. And what about rejection? We’ve all been rejected, so-to-speak, in different ways throughout our lives. But how many of you feel like rejection or exclusion is a recurring theme in your life? Some of us may feel we are doing ‘all the right things’, while others of us may be aware that there are things about us that significantly contribute to it. But if we have a path of brokenness in which we have been working through the healing process with God, what do we do when we are healed? Where do we go? Where do we belong, and with whom?
It’s glaringly obvious that after experiencing healing, the newly ‘healed state’ within is weaker, often far weaker, than before the damage was done. So, there remains the need of a rehab of sorts, to borrow from the sports world. But that said, and if we are getting stronger again, building up resiliency and fortitude, are we in such a place that we have to get to know who we are all over? Are we assuming things about ourselves and our world that aren’t exactly true anymore?
While these and other related questions are difficult to answer, and in many ways aren’t even meant to be answered at the moment they are asked, the one thing I do know is that every burden, hurt, and broken experience revisited can be turned into an opportunity of prostrating oneself before the God of all creation and pouring out until there’s nothing left. And then, just stay there. Let not yourself arise until God raises you up. It may take hours, it may take all day, it may take days on end. Stay there. Incidentally, that’s where I am at the time of this writing. (You’ll never know when I wrote, this, of course, but I’ll be back again.)
And there is another very important thing that can take place as God lifts you up, when this process has run its course, something so key yet so untapped…but that’s not where I’m at tonight, so I won’t get into that right now.
Certainly, I choose to come to this place of surrender on a daily basis, and that’s my heartbeat and home. But for some reason, things overwhelming can come and sometimes when least expected. And there is only one place for me in that moment. I’m desperate for Him. For the altar, for the cross.
And in my best day, I’m just as desperate, and I desperately pursue Him as such in my best day. It’s just that my worst day reminds me of that desperation without me having to consciously remember it.
So…this is where I am tonight. Where are you?
May your greatest suffering become your purest altar.